I Thought I Had a Drinking Problem—Turns Out, I Had PMDD Too

This has been something really hard for me to write but needs to be said. Suddenly, everything made sense…the emotional spirals, the impulsivity, the irritability, the hopelessness and yes even the binge drinking. I had been unknowingly self-medicating with alcohol to take the edge off a condition I didn’t even know existed. Yes there are other underlying issues I am navigating such as cPTSD, OCD and ADHD and everyone is different but alcohol only made my symptoms worse

Quitting drinking was the first big step. But understanding PMDD? That was the missing piece that finally let me stop feeling like I was failing at life once a month.

For years, I thought I just had really bad self-control once a month.

Like clockwork, there’d be a week where I’d cancel plans, dive headfirst into emotional spirals and find myself finishing a bottle (or two) with tears in my eyes and absolutely zero explanation other than “I guess life is just hard.”

I’d wake up the next morning foggy and full of shame and guilt, thinking Why did I do that again? And then I’d swear to myself that I was going to be healthier, stronger and more disciplined next time.

But “next time” always came….Every. Single. Month.

What I didn’t know then was that I wasn’t just randomly self sabotaging or not caring about those around me…I was reacting to an invisible war happening in my own body. The hormonal demon cousin of PMS that takes your brain hostage before your period and turns everything….your thoughts, your mood, your coping habits..I mean EVERYTHING into pure chaos.

Alcohol became my emotional anesthesia. I used it to blur and numb the feelings I didn’t know how to name or explain. The irritability, the depression and the crushing overwhelming feelings. At the time I felt I was “being dramatic” or “too sensitive.” In fact I was actually experiencing a neurochemical meltdown.

It wasn’t until I started tracking my symptoms (and encouragement of others that also saw a pattern) that I began to pay attention to the pattern: the drinking binges, the mood swings, the self-loathing…they were all synced up to my cycle. Like some sad little hormone fueled moon phase where I’d disappear into myself for a week and come out confused and dehydrated.

Realizing that PMDD was behind the curtain didn’t magically fix everything but it gave me something I hadn’t had before: context and direction. And with that I was finally able to slowly start to break out of the cycle. I started replacing the drinks with walks, journaling, herbal teas probably more sweets than I should but most importantly…compassion. So much compassion.

I haven’t had a drink in a while. Not because I hit a dramatic rock bottom, but because I finally realized I was using alcohol to escape something I didn’t understand. Now that I do, I don’t want to escape…I want to support myself!

If any of this sounds familiar to you, please know you’re not weak, you’re not broken, and you’re definitely not alone! Sometimes our “bad habits” are just misunderstood survival tactics. And sometimes the path to healing starts with asking, What am I really trying to numb? And Why?

For me, one of the reasons was PMDD. And now, instead of numbing it, I’m learning to meet it with presence. (And maybe a heating pad. And some dark chocolate…Let’s be realistic.)

We deserve answers. We deserve support. And if any of this sounds familiar I’d love to hear your story too. Drop a comment, send a message…whatever feels right.

We heal louder and stronger when we do it together!