It’s the middle of the night…I’m wide awake AGAIN…with each second stretching into what feels like an eternity. I’ve been here before…too many times to count…and it never gets any easier. My bed, which should be a place of rest and comfort feels more like a battleground. My mind races, my heart pounds, my skin gets clammy, my legs restless and my joints hurt to lay on like my hips and no matter how many times I try to just shut my eyes or how exhausted I am….my brain won’t let me.
And tonight, I’m struggling.
On their own, insomnia and anxiety are bad enough. Throw PMDD into the mix, and it’s like the perfect storm of emotional and physical exhaustion. Each night feels like a new round of fighting for control over my own body.
PMDD is a cruel beast. It brings a cocktail of emotions: sadness, irritability, self-doubt, and, on some days, a crippling sense of loneliness that’s hard to explain. On top of that, my body feels completely off….headaches, bloating, fatigue, and this dull ache that just doesn’t go away.
We can’t forget the physical restlessness! I can’t get comfortable. My legs ache, my back feels like it’s not quite in the right position, and the sheets feel too hot one minute and too cold the next. It’s like my body is fighting against me and I don’t understand why!
Laying there, wide-eyed in the dark, knowing I have to get up in just a few hours to face the day.
Then the anxiety of how I’m going to make it through is just another layer in the mess of thoughts I’m trying to get through.
I’m tired!
Physically, emotionally, mentally…I am just drained. But what’s worse is that feeling of helplessness. I’ve tried so many options…sleep aids, calming routines, meditations, teas…..you name it. t’s as if sleep and I just can’t seem to connect.
When I finally get out of bed after just laying there for hours watching the night turn to day I’m exhausted and on edge. PMDD adds another layer of difficulty. My mood fluctuates, and there’s this pervasive sense of dread that I can’t shake. The anxiety from last night’s sleeplessness follows me throughout the day, making everything feel harder. I’m constantly on the edge, ready to burst into tears or snap at the smallest thing. It’s like my body is running on fumes, but my mind is determined to keep moving, pushing me forward in a state of constant tension.
Why why why!
Sometimes it feels like a battle I’m losing but I try remind myself that it’s okay to struggle.
Maybe there isn’t a perfect solution. Maybe tonight’s sleep won’t come and tomorrow will be tough. But I’ll survive it as I always do.
hoping for a moment of peace before the morning comes.
With love
Caitlin
Say It LOUDER!….an awareness blog for PMDD 
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